Holiday travel survival guide

See the sights (and relatives, too) without the usual health hassles.

Lack of sleep, lurking germs, bathroom issues, and a host of other travel travails can complicate anyone's holiday trip. Indeed, getting sick on vacation is an all-too-common problem: As many as 63 percent of travelers say it's happened to them, surveys show. Is there a better way to go? Absolutely. All it takes is smart planning. Here's our expert-endorsed to-do list.

Outsmart airplane germs
Problem: You're getting a scratchy throat from the recirculated air at 30,000 feet, and the hygiene-challenged guy behind you is hacking up a lung.

Solution: Relax. Airplane air isn't quite as dirty as you think, says Roy DeHart, MD, MPH, former commander of the Air Force School of Aerospace Medicine in Texas. It's cleaner than the air in most restaurants or crowded offices. But if someone within two rows of you is coughing or sneezing, try to move to an empty seat. Also:

• Drink plenty of bottled water--desert-like cabin air dries your mouth and nose, making you more susceptible to germs.

• Avoid the coffee and tea. A recent inspection found fecal bacteria in 17 percent of planes' water, which is used to make those beverages.

Survive a snot parade
Problem: Your nephew's the cutest snot factory you've ever met. Can you play with him without catching the plague?

Solution: Gently steer clear of his germy hands, toys, and anything else he touches. And if you want to get cuddly:

• Wash your hands frequently (especially before you eat and after you hold him) and be sure to keep a hand sanitizer handy.

• Avoid touching your face unless you've just cleaned your hands.

• Enjoy the moment. Little kids catch 10 to 12 infections per year, but adults' immune systems are much stronger.

Keep it regular
Problem: You have trouble going when you're away from home.

Solution: Get moving. Sitting in an airport or in front of the TV with family is sure to slow things down, so take a walk each day. Also:

• Start eating high-fiber foods like beans and grains or taking fiber supplements before your trip, and drink 6 to 8 glasses of water daily.

• Seize the opportunity when the urge strikes you. Putting it off can bring on constipation.

• Sit on the toilet for a few minutes the same time each day, like after breakfast, even if nothing happens. If you're still stuck, take a stool softener with docusate (like Colace or Doculax) For more help, see "Beat the Belly Blues" on page 120.

Sleep Like a baby
Problem: The pillow's too flat, the comforter's too hot, and you miss your ceiling fan.

Solution: Bring a little bit of home along with you--like your favorite pillow. Also:

• Stick to your usual bedtime, and don't sleep in.

• If you're drinking more caffeine than usual (who doesn't on vacation?), try to lay off after lunch. For alcohol, make it 3 hours before bed.

• Lower the thermostat if you can--many people sleep best when the room's around 65 degrees. Can't escape a stuffy room? Pack a tiny travel fan, like Magellan's ($8.85; 800-962-4943 or www.magellans.com).

• Stay busy during the day, and get lots of sunlight (with sunscreen, of course). Regular exposure to sun helps set your body clock.

• If you're desperate, ask your doctor about using a nonprescription medicine like Benadryl or Tylenol PM at bedtime. (But keep in mind that most contain an antihistamine, which can leave you groggy.)

Avoid allergies
Problem: You're allergic to cats, but your Aunt Betty has a house full of felines (and dander, fur, and hairballs).

Solution: Make a note to remember your allergy medicines. If you forget them, buy a nondrowsy antihistamine like Claritin, Alavert, or a generic so you're not zonked your whole stay. (Get the 24-hour, extended-release version.) Nonprescription cromolyn nasal sprays like NasalCrom can make the reactions less intense. A decongestant like Sudafed may do the trick, too. More tips:

• Move throw pillows, blankets, and stuffed animals--whatever might be full of dander--to a closet. If pets have been on the bed, strip the bedding and replace it with clean linens. Or, better yet, bring some linens from home.

• Explain to your aunt how sick cats make you and ask her (nicely!) if she'll board the kitties during your stay--make sure you offer to pay for it.

Wipe out hotel willies
Problem: You're staying at a nice hotel, but you can't stop thinking about news of a bedbug comeback.

Solution: Be vigilant when you arrive. No matter the hotel (room rates have nothing to do with the risk of infestation), make sure you:

• Check for droppings, which look like small red or brown stains or spots. (You won't see the bugs because they only come out at night, says Susan Jones, PhD, associate professor of entomology at Ohio State University.) Pull back the bedspread and check the sheets, then the mattress and box springs. And give the baseboards and upholstered furniture a once-over. Bedbugs can travel 100 feet when hunting a meal.

• If you see droppings, tell the management and ask for a room on another floor. Ditto if you wake up with itchy mosquito-bite-like welts. (You probably won't feel the bite when it happens.) Bedbugs may make you scratch, but they don't transmit infections.

• Even if the room seems clear, keep your suitcase zipped and on a luggage stand, and don't leave clothes lying around. The bugs love to hitchhike on clothes and in luggage.

By Eric Steinmehl

13,000 people playing chess in Mexico City, a new world record

More than 13,000 people have crammed into Mexico City's central square to set a world record for the largest number of simultaneous chess games. Read more at BBC News.

Did You Know?

By early October 1781, British general Charles Cornwallis ordered horses that were behind the lines of siege to be killed so that they would not starve to death.

American commander in chief George Washington refused to accept a salary during the war.

In an attempt to fool British general Henry Clinton, American general George Washington ordered his men to build big camps outside New York City, to make it appear as if the Continental Army were preparing to stay there.

The British did not evacuate New York City, their last position in the United States, until November 25, 1783 -- more than two years after Yorktown.

Sixteen-year-old John Quincy Adams, son of John Adams, Served as his father's secretary and helped prepare paperwork for the Treaty of Paris. Both father and son would later become presidents of the United States.

The loss at Yorktown, Virginia, was such a devastating blow for Great Britain because one-third of all its North American forces were Stationed there.

See more interesting facts

10 Tips Deer-Hunting Success

GO PUBLIC While it's difficult to gain access to private lands, every state has public wildlife management areas, including federal lands. Many public lands offer excellent hunting opportunities.
TAKE A CHANCE Experiment with new ideas and products. Many hunters still believe that calling and rattling for whitetails won't work in their area. You'll never know if you don't try.
VISUALIZE THE SHOT If you're hunting from a tree stand, practice shooting from every angle. When a deer appears, you'll know better how to move without being detected and which shots are impossible or very difficult because of obstacles.
SWEEP UP If you're in a ground blind, clear leaves and brush from around your feet. If a deer suddenly approaches and you must change positions, rustling noises could alert it to your presence.
IGNORE THE MOON Some hunters won't go out on a day following a full moon because they believe the deer are active all night and don't move in daylight. Wrong. Deer are always someplace, and you should hunt whenever you can.
GET MOBILE Don't spend all your time in one spot, unless you've patterned a buck and want to wait him out. Otherwise, be flexible and try new areas.
BE SURE If you're hunting does and your management plan is to protect young bucks, look long and hard before pulling the trigger. The doe might be a button buck.
DON'T FORGET SAFETY When you hunt with a firearm, wear hunter orange clothing whether the law requires it or not. Likewise, always use a safety harness when in a tree stand or climbing to and from it.
PRACTICE FOR ACCURACY Don't even think of hunting unless you've practiced enough with your firearm or bow to be consistently accurate.
COUNT ON LUCK During an Arkansas hunt a guide showed me a tree stand and said a big buck was once seen from it, though he hadn't been spotted for a few seasons since. Other tree stands with more potential were available but I opted for the first one. The big buck decided it was time to pay a return visit. I shot him and learned that simple luck always plays a hand in a hunter's success.

Advice From Master Hunters

TAKE IT Slow Francis Mose, a veteran woodsman in New York's Adirondacks, taught me how to still-hunt the woods for whitetails. On one hunt I walked parallel to him about 10 yards away, copying his movements. At first I found it annoyingly difficult to imitate his snail's pace, but after seeing the effectiveness of his approach, I became a believer.

ROCK OUT Western hunter DeMarr Dudley showed me how to outwit a crafty mule deer buck. On a Utah hunt, he threw rocks into a weedy draw that was barely as wide as a pickup truck. Nothing happened, but Dudley kept it up. After the 15th rock hit, a buck came boiling out as if he had been scalded.

PATTERN THE DEER New York hunter Paul Jeheber directed me to sit on a particular rock in southern New York while he and a pal put on a drive for whitetails. He pointed out two trails coming off a ridge where deer might travel. Sure enough, he was right. A buck ran out. I shot it and learned the importance of patterning deer and knowing their escape routes.

STAY ON STAND Famed Kentucky hunter Harold Knight put me on stand in Tennessee near some fresh scrapes and told me to stay put until noon, even though the weather was hot, because the rut was cranking up. I was skeptical, but when a big 1 O-point buck emerged in the laurel with his nose to the ground and headed to the scrapes, I had a change of attitude. Because anything can happen at any time during the rut, a hunter is better off staying in his stand all day if possible.

50 States For Deer

A deer-hunting road warrior reminisces about his lifelong odyssey and lessons learned along the way.

Outside it was cold and raw, the kind of day best spent indoors. The gales and blowing snow made hunting almost impossible, but I was on a mission. I was in North Dakota, hunting alone on public land and fulfilling a lifetime quest. I had set out to hunt all 50 states for deer, and North Dakota was the last stop on my itinerary. I didn't get a deer on that trip, but I drove home smiling anyway. The long 50-state odyssey was finally over.

I conceived the idea to hunt deer in every state about 10 years ago One day, out of curiosity, I jotted down all the states in which I had hunted and was surprised when the total came to about two dozen. I resolved then to try to hunt all 50, and the adventure began. Toward the end, I'd drive my pickup truck from my home in Wyoming and hunt a cluster of states in a particular region, spending at least three days in each. During one such journey, I was on the road for 41 days. I put 14,000 miles on my pickup and managed to hunt six states. In some instances I simply drove in, bought a license across a counter, located a state wildlife management area on a map and went hunting. In others I hunted with friends or outfitters. Whether I hunted in a group or alone, I always had a great time.

BORN TO HUNT
I began hunting as a child near my birthplace in New York. I bought my first deer tag when I was 14, the minimum legal age at the time. After high school and a two-year stint at a small forestry college in northern New York, I journeyed to a Western college to work toward a bachelor's degree. One of my first priorities after arriving in Utah to study forestry was to plan a mule deer hunt with some classmates.

So it began; my first Western hunts occurred in the 1960s, when hunting for mule deer was at its best. Big bucks were pushovers, even on public land. Other than Utah, most of my early mule deer hunts were in Colorado. Permission to hunt ranches was easy to come by in those days. Now virtually every private acre in prime deer country-East or West-is leased or closed to hunting altogether.

In the late '60s, I left the West temporarily to work for the U.S. Military Academy at West Point as post forester and game warden. Eight years there taught me a lot about whitetails. At the time the hunting world barely knew what a scrape was and had no clue about the significance of a rubbed tree, except that a buck did it.

During that period I hunted New York extensively, chiefly the Catskill Mountains. If I wasn't hunting with my buddies in the deer camp there, I was probably in the Adirondacks, where my family had a cottage. There were no tree stands in those days, though hunters sometimes nailed planks on branches and perched there. Mostly we sat against trees or stood in spots where we thought we might see deer. Or we conducted drives. Somewhere along the line I realized I missed the West and began to spend my vacations hunting deer and elk in the Rockies.

HOME AGAIN
I heeded the call of open spaces in 1974. For a time I worked in Utah as a wildlife biologist for the federal government. At that point, I began to explore new horizons, hunting deer in various Western states as well as exotic locales outside the Lower 48. I wrote hunting articles part-time and tried to gain as much information as possible about distant and unique places.

Profound changes were occurring in the hunting world. Private lands were being leased in a feverish effort to wrest control of exclusive hunting rights, and mule deer populations were plummeting. Meanwhile, whitetails were multiplying rapidly all over the country and also moving into Western landscapes traditionally inhabited by mule deer.

My life took a dramatic turn in 1978 when I became Western Editor for OUTDOOR LIVE, and later Editor-at-Large. My job required me to travel and learn, and one of the first things I discovered was that the deer-hunting world was in transition. Hunters were talking excitedly about new strategies that involved scrapes, rubs, rattling and calling. Some companies were beginning to manufacture deer grunt calls and cover scents. Others were ramping up the manufacture of light-weight tree stands and climbing aids.

A new world was opening, and I was eager to spend as much time as possible in it. By 1980, I had about as many states on my "Hunted" list as on my "Still to Hunt" list, though at the time I wasn't counting. I shared hunting camps with mentors such as Murry Burnham, owner of Burnham Brothers Calls. Burnham introduced me to rattling. After learning the basics, I used the rattling technique elsewhere. I found it to be effective anywhere there is a fairly even buck-to-doe ratio.

The '80s brought profound changes in deer-hunting strategies. We learned more about deer communication and breeding habits. I was continually amazed at the knowledge that was being amassed and put to good use. Tree-stand hunting became the preferred strategy, and companies such as Trebark, Realtree and Mossy Oak couldn't manufacture camouflage garments fast enough. I added more states to my list, especially those in the Midwest and South, and continued to hunt the West extensively.

As I traveled, I was exposed to regional differences in hunting techniques, governed mainly by habitat and regulations. Everywhere, hunters had begun to learn the importance of supplemental nutrition for deer via specially formulated plantings, as well as the importance of selective harvest.

In the mid-'90s, I got to know Tony Knight, who introduced a popular version of in-line muzzleloader. Intrigued by my quest, Knight became my traveling companion to a number of states.

Considering I have 50 states under my deer-hunting belt, you might assume I'm a happy camper. Well, almost. In a number of them I never squeezed the trigger, by choice or chance; and in a couple I never saw a deer. Sometimes I arrived when the season was well under way, and competition with other hunters was intense. Stormy weather worked against me in some cases. So my "new" crusade is to revisit the 11 states where my tag went unpunched and perhaps ultimately take a deer in each. If I don't, though, I won't be disappointed. Just having the opportunity to hunt all 50 states has been tremendously satisfying.

Outdoor Life

10 Tips from the No-Fad Diet

1. Set a personal weight-loss goal and write it down. Start with a goal of losing about 10 percent of your current body weight.
2. Keep a food diary for one week. Write down everything you eat and drink.
3. Pay attention to what you are eating now and why. Identify the sources of your personal "hidden" calories, such as eating your child's leftovers.
4. Substitute fat-free or low-fat milk for whole milk, and save about 65 calories for each eight-ounce serving.
5. Watch nutrition labels: Products labeled "low-fat" can be high in calories. For example, low-fat yogurt can be high in calories. Enjoy fat-free, no-sugar-added yogurt instead for a fraction of the calories.
6. Include high-fiber foods, such as whole grains, fruits and vegetables, in your diet. They take longer to digest, so they make you feel full longer. In addition, many fruits and vegetables contain water, which provides volume but not calories.
7. Cut your favorite candy bar into bite-size pieces. Wrap each piece in plastic wrap, and store the pieces in the freezer. When a sugar craving hits, unwrap and eat one piece. By the time the candy thaws in your mouth, your craving may be satisfied.
8. Identify the nonessential, high-calorie foods you buy out of habit. Stop buying them! If they're not in your pantry, you won't eat them.
9. Make extra amounts of your favorite low-calorie foods and freeze individual portions. It's an easy way to control portion size and have handy options available for last-minute meals and snacks.
10. When eating out, consider having two low-calorie appetizers instead of an entree. It will help you feel satisfied and full without splurging on calories.

Diet Advice. . . Straight from the Heart Association

New No-Fad Diet offers eating and activity options, shuns extremes.

THE SOUTH BEACH DIET, the grapefruit diet, The Zone, the ice-cream diet and now… the American Heart Association diet? Unlike its rivals on the bestseller list and in popular women's magazines, the new "personal plan for healthy weight loss" from the nation's leading cardiovascular health organization doesn't promise rapid weight loss or require you to abandon balanced eating habits. The book's name makes the intent clear right on the cover: No-Fad Diet (Clarkson Potter, $24.95).

"The intent on doing this was to try to get around the faddish diets," explains Robert Eckel, MD, recently elected president of the American Heart Association (AHA) and a professor of medicine at the University of Colorado. "The theme is based on behavior, nutrition and physical activity."

Bottom line, the book makes clear that weight loss is all about calories. "To lose weight you really have to eat less than you burn," says Dr. Eckel. Subtract about 500 calories a day from what you now eat and you'll lose roughly a pound a week. That's not exactly the "magic" or "instant" weight loss promised by fad diets--but it's a plan the AHA says will work and that ordinary people can sustain.

The No-Fad Diet is also refreshingly free of no-no's. Says Dr. Eckel, "There's no forbidden food…. All foods can be part of a healthy diet--it's really about what the overall diet looks like."

That flexible approach carries over into the variety of options the book presents. First you might want to try the "switch and swap approach," which is based on the idea that you can subtract calories by making small but effective changes in your daily eating patterns. Keep a food diary, this approach advises, and look for opportunities to shave calories with changes you'll barely notice. At breakfast, for example, if you substitute a tablespoon of all-fruit spread for the margarine on your toast and switch from whole milk to fat-free, you've cut 135 calories and the day's barely started.

The second strategy is dubbed "the 75 percent solution." It's as simple as it sounds: Eat three-quarters of what you do now. You can continue to eat most of the things you like--just eat less of each. This approach seems to work particularly well for busy people on the go, according to the AHA.

Finally, the book presents more than 190 recipes and shows how to use them as elements in two weeks' worth of daily menus calculated at 1,200, 1,600 and 2,000 calories. The recipes don't look like you're "dieting": They range from pork tenderloin with cranberry salsa to pumpkin praline mousse, from risotto with porcini mushrooms and chicken to soba noodles in peanut sauce. (See the sample on the next page.)

But there's more to weight loss than what you eat--which the No-Fad Diet, unlike many of its faddish counterparts, acknowledges. The book takes a triple-pronged approach to losing weight, beginning with "Think Smart" (setting goals, getting started, dealing with setbacks), followed by its "Eat Well" strategies and then advice on how to "Move More." This section walks you through a fitness self-assessment and goal-setting. Next, in keeping with the book's "one size doesn't fit all" philosophy, it again serves up three alternative strategies--you can find the one that suits you best:

• The Lifestyle Approach --Commit to performing small activities throughout your day, on top of what you normally do, to add up to an increased amount of total activity. These extra activities could range from golf to square dancing to hiking and backpacking.

• The Walking Program --A six-week plan to get from 10 minutes of walking on most days to 30 minutes a day, seven days a week.

• The Organized Activity Option --Participate in scheduled classes or play sports to add activity into your life.

The book also shows how to mix and match these active strategies to create a combination that suits your interests and schedule.

In formulating its No-Fad Diet, the heart association drew on a team of in-house experts and recipe developers, plus more than a dozen nutrition experts including Alice Lichtenstein, DSc, Gershoff professor at Tufts' Friedman School of Nutrition Science and Policy. Though the AHA has previously published heart-healthy cookbooks, this is its first self-proclaimed "diet" book. Proceeds from book sales will go to fund heart research.

Recipe Sample HAM & BROCCOLI WITH ROTINI
From the American Heart Association's No-Fad Diet, published by Clarkson Potter.

4 quarts water
6 oz. dried whole-wheat or regular rotini
1 1/2 cups small broccoli florets
1 large red bell pepper, cut into thin strips
1 cup frozen whole-kernel corn, thawed
4 slices reduced-fat American cheese
3 oz. low-fat, lower-sodium ham, thinly sliced and chopped
2 Tbsp. fat-free milk
¼ to ½ tsp. dried thyme, crumbled
1/8 tsp. salt
1/8 tsp. cayenne

In a stockpot, bring the water to a boil over high heat. Boil the pasta for 7 minutes.

Stir in the broccoli and bell pepper. Cook for 2 to 3 minutes, or until the broccoli is tender-crisp. Drain well in a colander. Return to the pot.

Stir in the remaining ingredients. Spoon the mixture onto plates.

Yield: 4 servings, 1 1/2 cups each

Per serving: Calories: 292. Total fat: 5 grams. Saturated fat: 2.5 grams.

Polyunsaturated fat: 0.5 grams. Monounsaturated fat: 0.5 grams. Cholesterol: 19 milligrams. Sodium: 587 milligrams. Carbohydrates: 48 grams. Fiber: 3 grams. Sugar: 7 grams. Protein: 17 grams.

Source: Tufts University Health & Nutrition Letter, Sep2005

Chasing Down a Killer’s Story

By: Tolme, Paul, Atkins, Ace, Ordoñez, Jennifer, Newsweek

A venerable cold-case squad probes a convicted murderer’s claim to 48 victims.

Former FBI and CIA agent Charlie Hess hadn’t expected to spend his golden years chasing killers. He was happily retired from crime fighting, living his dream of “a Robinson Crusoe existence” with his wife in a thatch-roof home in Baja, Mexico. But that was before Christmas Eve, 1990, when their son-in-law was fatally shot by burglars in Colorado Springs and Hess and his wife decided to move to Colorado to be with their widowed daughter. The killers were eventually caught, and through the whole ordeal Hess formed close ties with members of El Paso County, Colo., Sheriff’s Office. So when the sheriff asked Hess in 2001 if he would start a cold-case unit for the overburdened agency, Hess readily agreed. “I felt it was a way to do something productive, rather than grow old sitting on the couch watching TV,” says Hess, now 79.

Four years ago Hess began nursing a relationship with convicted murderer Robert Charles Browne, whom law-enforcement officers suspected might be a serial killer. Hess started sending letters to Browne, and the two eventually held face-to-face meetings. “He was lonely, and I showed interest,” says Hess. In the course of their meetings, Browne, who claims to have killed 48 people during a three-decade rampage, has provided Hess with details of 19 killings. Officials have already verified details Browne gave them in seven of those cases. If Browne’s claim holds true, that would rank the 53-year-old with the Green River Killer as the nation’s most prolific serial murderer. But that’s a big “if,” given that killers behind bars often lie about their “successes.”




So far, authorities have been able only to tie Browne definitively to the murders of two teenage girls: 13-year-old Heather Dawn Church in 1991 and 15-year-old Rocio Sperry in 1987. Browne was convicted in 1995 of the Church murder and given a life sentence; a second life sentence was added after he pleaded guilty on July 27 to Sperry’s murder. The task of evaluating Browne’s other supposed victims–by the FBI and law-enforcement officials around the country–is daunting, given that many of the cases are so old. “It’s too early to determine whether there’s any validity to his claims,” says Lt. Col. David Shaw, director of the Mississippi Bureau of Investigation, which is looking into Browne’s allegation that he killed two men near the Alabama border, dismembered their bodies and dropped them into a swamp some 25 years ago.

Meanwhile, Hess and his fellow cold-case workers have stayed on Browne’s trail. The volunteer group has come to be known as the Apple Dumpling Gang, both for a 1975 Disney comedy featuring a couple of hapless outlaws and because the group likes to gather for pastry at a German bakery in Colorado Springs. In addition to Hess, it includes a former investigator on the JonBenet Ramsey murder case, 71-year-old Lou Smit, and a former newspaper publisher and crime reporter, Scott Fischer, 60. Smit is the de facto leader, but Hess was tapped to approach Browne because the inmate holds Smit responsible for putting him behind bars in the Church case (Browne now claims he didn’t kill the girl).

Hess wrote his first letter to Browne in May 2002; he would send about 20 in all, and Browne responded to most. Hess kept him up on New Orleans Saints football scores, and Browne carped about the discomforts of prison. On Browne’s birthday, which is Halloween, Hess sent the prisoner a birthday card with a picture of a snowy owl: Browne wrote back that it was his favorite bird of prey. Hess eventually started giving Browne details about his family life, even telling him about his son-in-law’s murder. “I’m sorry for your loss,” Browne wrote. “I felt that if he was going to share with me, he needed to know that I would share deep personal feelings with him,” Hess says. Browne agreed to a meeting in September 2004, the first of several sit-downs between Hess and the 6-foot-2, 200-plus-pound prisoner. Browne controlled these interviews, deciding what information about the alleged killings to give Hess. Since pleading guilty last month to Sperry’s murder, Browne has stopped talking, on the advice of his state-appointed attorney. (The attorney did not respond to a call seeking comment.)

Browne never provided a motive, but he did speak of the peacefulness of going “rambling,” his term for his hunts. He also mentioned negative feelings toward women–who “try to present themselves to be one thing, and then always prove to be something else,” he wrote to Hess. He described one of his alleged victims as a “slutty, low-life woman.” Browne’s motivation is also a big question mark: Does he relish the idea of going down in infamy as one of America’s top-two serial killers? Or is it something else? Detective Ed Majors of the Tulsa Police Department has been working on tips Browne gave about two murders in Oklahoma, and he has met with the prisoner. “He didn’t seem like someone who’s in prison. Not hard at all,” Majors says. “He just wants to resolve this and give closure to the families.” It will take a lot more work by Majors and the Apple Dumpling Gang before those families find out whether closure will ever come.

http://www.st0ries.com/

The Engineer and the Management Man

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

Funny Animals

See more on http://adamdrayer.blogspot.com/

Silly Jokes

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

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"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all,"
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.

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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up..

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez "How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?
What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

Lol

One night, President George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away.

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist.

Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?

Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."

Funny Toys